Castle walls

"Everyone thinks that I have it all, but it's so empty living behind these castle walls"

- Castle Walls - T.I. featuring Christina Aguilera

 

Lily Cole

Last night it almost brought me to tears to watch my patient a grown man in his 50s lay silent in bed with tears slowly welling up in his eyes. He was intoxicated, unkempt and his body was covered in tattoos. He just wanted to die, and he had several failed attempts of suicide in the past. He was keen on walking out of the emergency department but we had a duty of care to hold him in hospital until he had his brain scans done. I looked him in the eyes and apologised prior to administering a sedative into his vein. I said sincerely "I'm sorry I'm just following doctor's orders", he looked into my eyes and said "I know... it's not your fault". 
You really can't judge a book by its cover. 

A rose-coloured world

I once read in my psychology textbook that a contributing factor to why a person may be depressed is because they view the world too clearly. There is some logic to this. If you stop and think... this world is pretty messed up. Adults kill babies. You could walk down the street and a drunk-driver could run you over. You might have a serious disorder just waiting to jump out of you while you're feeling on top of the world. You might actually be infertile and never be able to have your own children. In contrast, the textbook says that non-depressed people see the world slightly rose-coloured. For example, you could believe that one day you'll make wads of cash and have healthy babies with a caring husband. There might not be any evidence for that, but it doesn't hurt to dream a bit and believe you can achieve it. 

Recently I was in hospital and met a patient who had a mental illness. She wore red shoes, red socks, red jumper and a big extravagant red hat. She told me that she was wearing red today to cheer her up. I'm going to take on her approach on colours. It's Christmas Eve and I wont be spending it with my family, or recent 'ex'-boyfriend. So tonight, instead of wearing my navy nursing scrubs to work, I will wear a stripey red and white T-shirt (think candy cane). I will put on my red velvet shoes and pop on a sequined headband. Hopefully that will cheer me up. And who knows what valuable life lesson I may learn from my patients tonight. 

Wise ol' fortune cookie.

p.s. Just because I am trying to be positive does not mean I am not still hurting.

Waiting...

Today I looked in my wardrobe and realised that I could look at each item of clothing and pinpoint a memory of him attached to it. Eight years worth of memories. How is it possible to move forward when there is a reminder of him in every direction I look.

We had a house, a dog, and a picket fence. We invented the game where we would be in our underpants and dance around like rockstars with household items as musical instruments. 


I'm glad that I'll be working night shifts on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It will help me forget you. I can't remember the last Christmas I spent without you. 

"There'll be a light in the hall and a key under the mat
If you ever come back
There'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on
And it will be like you were never gone" 

 - If you ever come back - The Script